Gay Furry Hacker Approved
EPISODE 3: FIRE WALK WITH ME
How we feelin’ people? Good? Bad? Hopeful? Defeated? Do you keep saying the phrase “Gay Furry Hackers” out loud because hearing it vocalized makes it feel more real? I’m right there with you. It’s been a huge week for nonsense. I’d have bought stock in nonsense last Friday had I known the nonsense level we’d be reaching, but I’m priced out now. That investment train has left the station.
The past week has been exhausting, to say the least. I wasn’t sure I wanted to do the newsletter this week after suffering a major personal loss, but if I didn’t do this, I’d have just done nothing. I’d have sat on my couch alone, drinking tequila and feeling sorry for myself. While no one would have judged me for that, I decided to make a go of it anyway. Even if I’m not feeling the best, maybe I can make someone else’s day a little bit brighter.
So my rotting has been postponed. Let’s talk about early 2000s reality TV, hateful fast food menu items, and experimental photography.
IT’S TIME TO BRING BACK MTVs FEAR
Picture this: Holly is 23 and she’s from Hollywood. Wearing a camera rig and a face full of perfectly applied makeup, she walks into the pool room at a haunted military academy and immediately sees a death machine hanging from the ceiling above her.
Holly is iconic and I would vote for her in any presidential election.
She’s then instructed to light a candle and lay on a platform. This candle will then burn through the rope holding the death machine above her in place. It’s basically just a bunch of metal spikes hanging up there, and they’re poised to drop on sweet, sweet Holly.
“I’m laying down staring at spikes. Are these spikes gonna come down on me right now?... I hope my waterproof mascara isn’t running.”
Holly is a trooper, though. She doesn’t move. The rope burns, the trap is snapped, and it stops several feet above her, leaving her unharmed. She then blows out the candle and returns to HQ while she empathizes with the spirits of the people who had been mistreated in this location.
Things only get spookier from there (Holly gets electrocuted, but she’s fine).
Running from September 2000 to April 2002, MTV’s Fear was the blueprint by which most of today’s paranormal investigation reality shows drew inspiration, and it was an absolute fever dream of a production.
The main difference between MTV’s Fear and modern-day ghost shows is that Fear is “hosted” by a group of complete amateurs recording and directing each other. After being kept in a hotel room for 48 hours with nothing to do except watch horror films, they have bags thrown over their heads and they’re tossed into a van and driven to a haunted location like peaceful protestors being disappeared to a CIA black site. When they finally arrive and meet the other contestants (they aren’t allowed to talk in the van because this show is legitimately unhinged), they head to a room designated to be their home base and they receive scary missions from a computer. Players are randomly selected to go on these missions, and they either complete their creepy dares in these haunted locations, or they quit, forfeiting eternal paranormal glory and their $5,000 prize.
Unlike almost every other reality show, the contestants didn’t interact with the production staff *at all* once they were in the haunted location. The visuals of the show came from stationary cameras placed ahead of time throughout the haunted locale, handheld cameras given to the contestants, and other cameras they wore in a rig attached to their torsos that were specifically designed to film their faces. Production would set up these missions themed around the location’s grim history, but beyond that, they had minimal involvement. They didn’t rig anything to jump out and scare contestants or falsify any paranormal activity. These 20-somethings experienced whatever they experienced, and anything strange they felt was between them and the abandoned architecture.
Fear predated almost all modern ghost hunting shows. Ghost Hunters, Paranormal State, and Ghost Adventures wouldn’t premiere until a few years after MTV’s Fear had already ended, but the influence it had on these productions is unmistakable. It was also immensely popular when it was airing... So what happened?
It cost a lot to make and also 9/11 happened.
Production had to run all kinds of insane cables through these sprawling locations in order to record everything AND they had to go to great lengths to make sure that their contestants wouldn’t fall through the floors or drown in sewer tunnels… It was mostly the cables, though. According to one of the producers, “We were maybe using more cable than the Super Bowl.” This led to the budget being cut for season 2 and the eventual cancellation of the show by a budget-conscious MTV.
As far as 9/11 goes, reports have it that a lot of networks were reevaluating their content after the attacks, and that people flipping channels in a post-9/11 world weren’t super keen on people running through dark, dusty hallways screaming at the top of their lungs, which makes sense in theory, except the show was still pretty popular.
Why is it time to bring it back, you ask? Look at this MTV broadcast schedule:
Catfish is fine, but y’all need a third show, man.
It’s going to be a lot cheaper to produce now! Wireless camera tech has come a criminally long way since 2000. The running of cables wouldn’t be nearly as extensive or expensive. Nothing is stopping them. Why am I even having to write about this? Why are they content to leave this Fear money on the table?
MTV’s Fear needs to come back because of how pure it is. You can load up Discovery+ and watch ghosthunting shows for the next 5 years and never see the same episode twice. You’ll watch teams of people walking the halls of haunted places telling you they’re experiencing something paranormal in the most dramatic, boring way imaginable and you’ll be thankful for the opportunity because we all love ghost hunting shows. But if you’re like me, you can only watch so many of those shows before you grow a little tired of it. You know what I’ll never get tired of? People in their 20’s who are willing to lay in a morgue drawer for $5,000.
Nostalgia is huge right now, especially for those of us who remember the world before 9/11. It’s hard to have hope for what lies ahead sometimes, so we look to the past so we can draw from the well of hope we once had. MTV’s Fear is in that well. It drowned in that well. It haunts that well. We just need to lower a barista into that well and film her reaction and we’ll be back on track. A proper country.
Plus no one ever gets sick of hearing “Voodoo” by Godsmack.
(All episodes of MTV’s Fear have been uploaded to YouTube by fans. If you want to know more about this insane television endeavor, check out the oral history of MTV’s Fear on Mental Floss)
REVIEW: THE BIG CHEEZ-IT TOSTADA FROM TACO BELL
Every now and then, fast food restaurants will release a limited-time menu item that is… bad. A sandwich that never should have made it past the pitch. A blisteringly ignorant combination of ingredients that will singlehandedly cure your imposter syndrome because if someone can walk into the office and suggest something like this, then maybe you’re smarter and more capable than you think you are.
Reader, this is not about those menu items. Oh no. See, those menu items are bad and stupid, but we can forgive that. I make mistakes too. Arby’s and I have that in common. No, the food we’re going to talk about today isn’t just stupid, it’s hateful. The very fact that it exists should feel like Taco Bell spitting in your fucking face and then waiting for you to clean it off so it can spit in your fucking face again.
This is the Big Cheez-It Tostada. Look upon it and weep:
There is no way this made it through conception, testing, and quality assurance unscathed. It isn’t possible. The only way an abomination like this makes it to the front lines is if it’s forced through by the gangrenous hand of a bloodthirsty executive. When you taste it, you can hear the faint screaming of someone outside your house calling you a slur. This was approved by someone high up on the Taco Bell ladder who only just visited one of the restaurants for the first time, and while he was in the dining room watching the huddled masses file by—their spirits aching to live mas—he said, “Look at them, Jenkins. Gaze upon their revolting faces. I know of no god that wouldn’t regret such vomitous creations.”
I don’t have any proof that this particular scenario took place. That’s just how the damn thing tastes. I have never felt more devoid of hope than I did the moment after I took my first bite of The Big Cheez-It Tostada.
For those not in the know, The Big Cheez-It Tostada is exactly what it sounds like: Seasoned beef, reduced-fat sour cream, lettuce, tomatoes, and cheddar cheese, all served on a Cheez-It that’s 16 times bigger than your standard issue Cheez-It. Sounds like shit, right? You hear that description and your natural instinct is to avoid it as one would avoid a brightly colored poisonous tree frog, right? Well, I ordered it anyway. Before you think less of me, just know that Taco Bell psyched me out on this one. All I could think was, There has to be something to this. It’s so insane that it has to be good. So disgusting that it lapped itself into being genius. I was naive. I was foolish. I am older now. The Cheez-It made me older.
I order the cheese cracker war crime knowing that I made a mistake the moment I hit “Submit”, and eventually, it arrives–a clear sign that god abandoned me long ago. If he hadn’t, the tostada would have been sucked out of the car window of my DoorDash driver. This is how it came:
Yes, that box is upside down. A potent omen. A clear warning. Like a flag being flown upside down to indicate a country in distress. I put on my rose-colored glasses and ignored the red flags. I strapped on wings made of shredded cheese and flew toward the sun. Hubris tastes of Baja Blast.
Bitch who the fuck is that? He is NOT looking like his profile picture. Every single choice I’ve made in my life has led me to this moment—to this box of slop. It’s hard not to feel like you deserve whatever happens next when you paid someone human money to drive this to you, but I’m working on giving myself grace.
There’s been a lot of preamble leading up to the actual review of this thing, so let’s just rip that bandaid off right now: It’s bad. When you put shit on a big Cheez-It, the big Cheez-It gets soggy. In a very short amount of time, it is no longer a Cheez-It so much as a vulgar layer of cheese cracker pulp dragging all the other ingredients down to its vile level. I hated every second. You order a big Cheez-It thing and you think to yourself, Hell yeah, even if this sucks I’ll get to pick up a big Cheez-It, and no. You don’t. They can’t even let you have that.
Why? Because they hate you. Someone at Taco Bell thinks you’re trash and they’re loudly declaring it with the continued existence of The Big Cheez-It Tostada. Are we trash for ordering The Big Cheez-It Tostada? Maybe. Is it rude to point that out? I believe so. Sorry I can’t be the sophisticated, high-profile consumer you long for, Taco Bell.
So who is this for, exactly? I’ll tell you. The Big Cheez-It Tostada is for rat people, and I mean that in a very literal, endearing way.
Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be a little mouse (rat, if ya nasty)? Of course you have. We all have. The Big Cheez-It Tostada–despite being a clear message of contempt for us as consumers–provides us with such an opportunity, because here’s the thing: You can order it without the shit on it. Nothing to dissolve it into mush. You just have a big fuckin’ Cheez-It, which is all you really wanted in the first place. You get to be a little rat holding your big Cheez-It and nibbling on it like the little rat you are. Like the little rat you always dreamed of being. No job. No bills. Just squeak squeak nibble nibble. You get to live your Ratatouille fantasy without fearing violent reprisal from health inspectors, and at the same time, you’re telling Taco Bell, “Hey, I am a rat. I’m a little rat boy and I’m proud of it.” That’ll show them… while also still giving them money.
Anyway, it’s a 0/10 for The Big Cheez-It Tostada, and probably a higher score if you just order the big Cheez-It. I haven’t done that, but I’m nothing if not an optimist. If you get the big Cheez-It and eat it like a little rat, take a picture so I can put it in a future newsletter. I am so serious.
YOUR WEEKLY MISSION
This is a simple one: Create a piece of art. A sketch, a painting, a poem, a story, a sculpture, anything. Create something with intention. Sit down and let your creativity take hold. It doesn’t have to be perfect, it just has to be.
If you feel like sharing whatever you create, send it to me! Maybe I’ll include it in a future newsletter ;)
SNAPSHOT OF THE WEEK
This picture was a bright spot on a disastrous roll of film.
I bought my camera on eBay for about $80 and it came with a bunch of accessories. We love that. We love extras. The camera itself (a Minolta SRT-101) has served me well for 2 years. Having very little knowledge of film photography, I’ve found it to be the perfect camera to learn on, and I’ve captured lovely images that may not be the best, but I’m quite proud of them.
One of the accessories was an ancient Japanese flash, which was exciting! I like the look of flash photography, so I recently became pretty keen on learning the ins and outs.
Reader, it was all outs.
I’m not entirely sure what happened, but *none* of my flash pictures turned out. Not one. A true shame since I picked our X-Men-themed party to try all this. No fun costumed pictures of my friends for me.
But I did get this. I took this driving back home from a friend’s Juneteenth celebration. One second exposure with the camera sitting on the dash. I messed with the color a bit in editing, but not a lot. I like it for what it is: an imperfect mess.
Will I try the flash again later? Surely… But not for a little bit. I’m mad at her.
To conclude this week, I’d like to dedicate this newsletter to my friend Markus, who we lost to cancer this past Monday. He was one of a kind. I’m not okay, but Markus always stayed strong, so now I’ll do the same in his honor.
I love you, Markus. I’ve never been so sure that I’ll see someone again. Save me a seat by the river.
Catch you next week. Drink water and don’t forget to switch your laundry.
I'm glad you wrote this week. This one was gold.
1. I'd sign up to be on the FEAR reboot SO FAST
2. Kevin was also disappointed in the Cheezit Massacre, but he was optimistic because we tried the Mac n Cheetos at Burger King once and they were annoyingly delicious.
RIP Marcus ❤️